God

‘Khelaghar …

baadhtey legechhi

amaar moner bhitorey’

My relation with God is the same as the one I share with my beloved daughter. One moment I am yelling at her for not listening to me, the next, I am totally running after her for a hug. In fact, there have been times, when God and I were living in separation, or so I believed. I often, lost faith in his love for me, completely, and he, true to his nature, chose silence and time to guide me back to him.

Yes, we all share some kind of a relation with our God. I do not believe that God must have a name, an image, a gender, or a religion, but if any of these helps you to stay grounded to faith, there could be nothing more real. Nothing more honest. Nothing more triumphant.

God to me is just that - God. He is the light at the end of the tunnel, the subtle relief when all the tears are spent. A super handy first-aid that’s ready to cure, even before the wound sets in. Yes he does that for all of us, only that we, lesser mortals ‘get it’ much later.  

I have, and I am sure even you must have wondered, if God exists, then why this continual bloodshed, terror, disease, slaughter, rape – why so much pain all around us and even within us? Why is the world shedding tears everyday at incidents and accidents beyond its control? Why do people on a pilgrimage lose their lives? If god is all-loving and all-forgiving, would he subject man to so much?

Questions, that leave us lost, skeptical, spiritually hollow, and above all, shattered. I am not here to propagate the existence of God, just intend to share what I feel, after having faced quite a lot, as you may already know.

In the last two years, I prayed every second for my husband’s life. Every second. I have done things I never really believed would, or could, actually accentuate the quality of my prayers, but nevertheless, did them with all my heart. For him.

For, at that time, all that mattered to me was his life, his relief from physical and emotional suffering. I prayed, begged, cried, howled before my God. In fact, I remember one particular evening, a few days before he left. I was standing at this temple, and pleading God to help him, save him. Remember telling him, ‘You are the only one who can make miracles happen. So please make it happen. Just once.’

I was so sure things will work. Medicines will work. Prayers will work. Faith will work. They didn’t. He left. In a week.

And I was left, godless. Or was I? Well...

I have not yet reached that level of spiritual maturity where I can perfectly justify his leaving. But yes, there is more to what happens, than meets the eye. The mortal eye. The other day I was reading a beautiful article on why we die, when we die? Why do small children lose their lives? Why are children born with terminal illnesses? If they had to leave so early, why did God bring them here? And the answer is, not just life, even death has a purpose. A grander one maybe. One for the ones left behind. One that we will learn as time passes. Or maybe we won’t. But that is irrelevant in the larger, galactic scheme of things. 

Yes, a grander purpose. If we are born as humans, who can think, work, dream, plan, sleep, and then, wake up and face the sunshine, there is a purpose. It can’t all be futile and meaningless. The only difficult part to accept is that, one day, this journey, which we assume is forever, will end. The itinerary is set and has preordained time-limits for each one of us. And once our time is up, we have to say bye. And begin a new journey. I wish to believe.

Not all questions have straight answers. And there are answers that give birth to some more, tougher questions. I, personally feel, he was here to share some dreams with me, some that we fulfilled together, and some more that he left me with, to fulfill on his behalf. And one of them is, to add a drop of life, to each moment. So that, when my time is up and I am all set to leave, I am left with no regrets of not having drunk ‘life to the lees’.

God exists for me. He is the force, the energy, the will, that takes me forward, step by step. He resides in me. He waters the roots of my soul. Helps me soak in the sun, the rain, and all the good things I need, to grow. 

If you are still reading this post, and at any point, have you felt a lump in your throat, or nodded in agreement to my questions on whether he is around, or simply wished you could just give me a hug for still hanging in there, and fighting, be rest assured, God exists. In you.

For me.