Finding my soul

'Amar bhitoro baahire

Ontore ontore

Achho tumi hridoy jure'

My sister has been persuading me to take up blog writing seriously. She feels all that I do must find a place in my writing, for she has immense faith in my sensitivity and power to express. So here I am, writing my first blog after ages.

Ever since childhood, I have always been an introvert. Always loved to dwell on dreams, and ensured I keep them to myself. But then, you change as life changes and now when I look at myself, I feel there is so much you learn when you express your thoughts with others. The canvas I paint becomes all the more colourful when people respond to it. And that inspires me to step out of the ‘introvert’ shell and pen blogs that speak of life, death, and all that lies between the two.

Honestly, my life right now is very very colourful. In the sense that I meet new challenges every day, meet faces I have known for ages, yet they look differently coloured now, meet myriad colors of my self every second. Yes, colours that define so much in an instant.

A few weeks back, after anti-depressants failed to soothe my strained nerves anymore, my doctor suggested meditation as the only path that could fetch me the much-needed tranquility. Without a single negative side-effect.

Lying wide awake all night for months, I spoke to God often, pleading him for an answer, an acceptable answer. And waited. I have always heard people say, God has a plan, and we dare not doubt what He wills. So be it. I waited. Every second of the day, the believer in me waited for His messenger to knock, and deliver.

And the answer comes, not one fine day. But gradually, as you learn to struggle and swim against a tide called misery. The answer comes. As you crib about all that is going wrong, but suddenly realize that in spite of all the setbacks and trials, you are still sailing strong and none could have been better at this, than you. The answer comes. When you look at the mirror and see that dark circles have not yet over shadowed that determined, tough jaw line. The answer comes. In installments, in moments. Like sporadic rain.

I have never been typically religious, but have always believed in the spirit, something that transcends the body. Something, elusive may be, but definitely, not illusive. And my confusions with my life, finally, helped me tread within. Ever wondered why we hear of spending some solitary time with our 'selves' so often these days? It is important. Very important. Because, we are all so lost.

Peace eludes us. Yes. For we are so busy attending and catering to what lies outside us. We give in, to mediocrity, to the mundane, to all the stimulants that are manipulatively placed to take us farther from that one being who loves us. Takes us miles away from the unleashed spring of love that God has embedded within each one of us.

In the last few months, God has granted me the luxury of devoting myself, to my Self. And thus, began the journey. Of knowing the one I loved but never cared to express it to. I realized how beautiful the soul that wears my body, looks. Unscathed, calm, pristine, full of life. I wondered, why on earth should she inhabit such a battered and devastated garment like me? 

But then again, the answer comes.

She is here to lift me from this dungeon. All these years, she has waited for me, patiently, to look for her, through the boggling mazes of agony and meandering, narrow crevices of experience, and eventually, find her. For unless I reached her, how would I find my answers?

Yes, I have found my soul. Touched her, hugged her, shed my tears and fears with her. She has hand-holded me this far. And has promised to guide me as I walk the miles that lie ahead.

She alone, is my saviour. My soul. The only anti-depressant that can lull me to sleep. In peace. Without side effects.