the last two years of my life have been so different and all-absorbing, that i do not really seem to remember the years prior to them. today, all the cells in my body are soaked in the shock of the time that followed may 2011. yes, i am traumatized, shaken,and my soul, (i believe i have one) confused beyond measure.
there are times when i make efforts to think of my life until two years, by looking at pictures, reflecting on some of the special moments in my life, my first job, my wedding, my months of expecting motherhood, guria's coming, the days that followed, her first birthday etc etc etc, but nothing seems strong enough to take me away from the horrific last two years. these events are all as real, but then, they do not help. period.
taking your husband to the hospital, for a bone marrow test, only to know he has the worst form of leukemia, with a life expectancy of one and a half years, is not easy. yes, more so, when you have this little girl at home waiting for her papa to take her for a long drive in the evening.
and then, starts the fight. the fight to defeat what fate has ordained. all doing their best, the doctors, the nurses, the wife, the daughter, and all who only wished to see him, living. the man was wrestling each day with chemos, throat infections, blurred vision, slurred speech, respiratory distress, swollen limbs, bleeding gums, nausea, not to mention the mental and emotional landslide. he had to fight. he was not given options to choose from. he sure wasn't that lucky.
finally, one thunderous night, as his body was still deciding on whether to relent and release him from the ventilators, successive seizures, hemorrhages, i stepped in to the ICU and stood next to him. placing a palm on his gradually drifting chest, all i could ask for was forgiveness, as i could do nothing to bring him back. To me, to his child. he opened his eyes once. looked at me and then closed them. Never to open them again.
in a few hours, his body surrendered and he lay there, sleeping, not to be disturbed by nurses or doctors with needles and pills, ever again. Yes, no seizures, no pain, no life-saving drugs, no blood, no platelets.
there are times when i make efforts to think of my life until two years, by looking at pictures, reflecting on some of the special moments in my life, my first job, my wedding, my months of expecting motherhood, guria's coming, the days that followed, her first birthday etc etc etc, but nothing seems strong enough to take me away from the horrific last two years. these events are all as real, but then, they do not help. period.
taking your husband to the hospital, for a bone marrow test, only to know he has the worst form of leukemia, with a life expectancy of one and a half years, is not easy. yes, more so, when you have this little girl at home waiting for her papa to take her for a long drive in the evening.
and then, starts the fight. the fight to defeat what fate has ordained. all doing their best, the doctors, the nurses, the wife, the daughter, and all who only wished to see him, living. the man was wrestling each day with chemos, throat infections, blurred vision, slurred speech, respiratory distress, swollen limbs, bleeding gums, nausea, not to mention the mental and emotional landslide. he had to fight. he was not given options to choose from. he sure wasn't that lucky.
finally, one thunderous night, as his body was still deciding on whether to relent and release him from the ventilators, successive seizures, hemorrhages, i stepped in to the ICU and stood next to him. placing a palm on his gradually drifting chest, all i could ask for was forgiveness, as i could do nothing to bring him back. To me, to his child. he opened his eyes once. looked at me and then closed them. Never to open them again.
in a few hours, his body surrendered and he lay there, sleeping, not to be disturbed by nurses or doctors with needles and pills, ever again. Yes, no seizures, no pain, no life-saving drugs, no blood, no platelets.
Lifeless, he is no longer begging before God to save him. For now, he is free. Free to fly out of the claustrophobic ICU and visit the places he had always dreamt of, free to cuddle his daughter as she sleeps, free to sit on his favourite couch and watch amitabh bachchan smashing the baddies. free to be.
As for me, I am sure he is doing all of these. Only wish I could see him once. Cancerless, and free.
No comments:
Post a Comment