It's her seventh birthday

it's her seventh birthday and I haven't yet bought a gift for her. just wondering what gift can you give to the most beautiful and priceless gift in your life? nothing really. for everything seems so little, so dwarfed before her precious presence in my life. a little girl who has carved a mother out of me. a fairy who has touched the abyss of grief with her smile. healed a grieving mom with just one thing, love.

let me take you back in time. for a while. life changed for her a couple of months after she turned four. you all know how. but what many of you may not know is how that changed her. my girl. compelled to accept, adjust, adapt to life. at the age of four. uncomplaining, never brooding, not for once questioning the colossal disharmony, that messed up her small comfortable world. yes, she didn't know how to frame the haphazard questions that troubled her within. she didn't know how troubled she was. she didn't know. or maybe she knew. and understood better, than us, elders.

cause she is, God's little girl who's here to heal. who's here to guard a mother. a disillusioned, anchorless, shaken mother who's lost so so much in life. and love. God's own girl who'll wipe the tears with her soft, yet firm little fingers. she has done it all. and more. took me in her arms when I cried. made funny faces to make me laugh. kept bothersome hurting intruders at bay. handed me the remote when I sat beside her after a long hour in the kitchen. volunteered to make a glass of rose drink for a tired mom. wore the uniform herself when mom was ill. packed her school bag. ensured mom has a bottle of water in her bag when she goes grocery shopping. drank milk at one go. scored good grades and with each score, eagerly enquired, 'mammam, tumi khushi toh?'. she has done it all. and much, much more than my memory can contain. or recollect. or retell.

often, I look at her for hours when she is sleeping. pride reigns supreme when I realize I have her. God's own girl. is 'my' daughter. the one with a heart that shines like gold. amidst all the black smoke hovering over and around us. the one who can banish all pain and heaviness in an instant, with her amazing sense of humour. and an equally innate skill in mimicry. she does it all. and I'm left wondering, how.

her seventh birthday! and I haven't yet bought a gift for her. and I shall never ever get to give her the gift I want her to have. rather, the gift she might expect. silently. I can never. not with all the treasures in the world. not with my life.

it's her seventh birthday! and I haven't yet bought a gift for her.

but I know. she'll know.
why I didn't.
some day. she'll understand. why I couldn't.