The day he left me, physically, I realized life will never be the same again. Not only because I lost my husband, but because there will be people deciding on the tenure of my grief at his loss.
People, a collective word for minds that assume they have all the right to direct a young widow’s life because, she has lost her anchor. I know, many of you reading this piece, would find the word ‘widow’ somewhat uncomfortable, when you relate the word to me. But my intention is not to disturb you, rather to show you how, even in this age of so-called modernity, some minds have softly refused to assign me any other identity than that of a widow.
The term widow doesn’t bother me one bit – but these bunch of well-wishers who were nowhere to be seen when the young man was suffering, popping up from various corners, after he crossed over. That is what is so amazing about our society. It does not matter whether you have been dutiful, loving, caring, or most importantly, affected, what matters is how best you can play the role of being affected by following rituals, customs and directives dictated by a set of insensitive feudal minds.
As per Hindu religion, a widow is not supposed to wear colored clothes, especially red, or eat non-vegetarian, or think about her ‘self’. And yes, please do not assume these things are not part of the urban Hindu psyche today. It is, still very much there.
The most amusing part is they coat these subtle directives with a show of broad outlook and a lot of thought for the soul of the departed and of course, his young widow.
Let me give you a few examples of what kind of questions my close ones chanced to ask me in the last few months. And yes, not all who asked were elderly. In fact, some are young wives, educated, polished, working and‘broadminded’ as they themselves put it.
‘Are you eating fish these days?’
‘We are very supportive of widows eating fish and meat, you know!’
‘In this life, you will never be able to smile again. All you can do is, live on for you must, for the child. You have no personal wishes to be fulfilled anymore, as you have lost all that you had once achieved. It is all part of your deeds in your past life’.
‘You must wear red, why shouldn’t you? These days widows wear all colors.’
‘I think if you want, you should think of remarrying in two years time. We are very supportive of the thought that you should have a family again.’
And many such more ….
For heaven’s sake, whosoever even asked you for this kind of support that constantly reminds me that I am not one of you, ANYMORE. Was there ever a question from my end on whether I should be doing these things? No. Then why this show of being liberal towards a new young widow? Why?
The least I could have asked for in these days from people around me was some space, some sensitivity and some compassion. But you know what – compassion can come only when you make an effort to feel what exactly the loss is for me, it is not my loss of identity as ‘married’, rather the loss of someone I loved and wanted to see living for the rest of my life. And, I SAW HIM DEAD. That is my loss.
The saddest part is, in an attempt to make things look normal, most of these well-wishers, pushed me further down the abyss of self-pity, helplessness and loneliness.
It is my loss, so I know how big, how irreparable, how painful it is. And as far as customs go, for me the only custom to pursue is to ensure that his child loves and remembers him, all her life. The only ritual to abide by is praying for him to be in peace wherever he is. The only directive to follow is asking him to be by our side and guide us as we move on. And letting him know, how much we miss him every second.
And for all those who think it’s been four months and I should be over this grief and party all day to prove I am out of pain, let me ask you one simple question.
How long would you grieve if you lost a thumb, or maybe a limb that keeps you moving, or maybe your vision? Lifelong right? Because of the importance it held in your life. You would be forced to live without it, but would you stop missing their presence in your life?
Grieving is my personal time spent with him and myself. The world only bothers us, when they draw deadlines.
Don’t just think. Feel. At least try, if you wish well for 'young widows' like me.
Stay well. May peace be with you.
